Sadness

Now we know…the wild things lived, and died..in Zanesville, Ohio. And now we also know what happens when wild things are tried to be kept as domestic, privately held animals.

I struggle enough with keeping my one domestic little house cat adequately content. I have recently delegated litter duty to my 9 year old and feeding duty to 4 year old, which now and then inevitably still falls on my own shoulders (more often than I would like to admit).

But there are bigger things – like his health. To keep things interesting, he has come down with a severe allergy to fleas. So, even one or two little bites makes him itch and tear at himself until he bleeds. I have to watch him closely, keep him on allergy and anti flea medications and stuff. It doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but I also have two other little wild things to care for…my daughters – who stay front and center.

At one time I had two cats, and a dog – all of which I had obtained/rescued because they were abandoned and helpless and somehow found me. All was great for several years. Then, in the midst of a grueling divorce, as a working single mom of two very young daughters, I had to make a very, very hard, choice to let my parents have my sweet boy – Zeke, the best dog in the world. I had always been able to stay at home with him and when I went back to work, he became very depressed and it was apparent that he needed more human interaction then I could physically give him.

It was a win-win, however – despite my selfish pain of missing him terribly. My parents love Zeke so very much and he is very happy. He is where he should be. I had to face the hard reality…that I couldn’t do it all. I can’t save the whole world. I have to focus on the small corner of the world that I can actually make a difference in and try to do it to the best of my ability – and then get help with the things I can’t do well.

Later, one of the cats fell ill with feline diabetes and had to be put down. So I am now left with only one allergic cat needing regular vet visits and medication for life.

But sometimes people don’t make the right decision. So – when I hear about this man who kept almost 50 wild animals in captivity on his private property…I think…wow! I’m not saying I’m so great and he is so bad…I am just saying – we all make choices and our choices have consequences. Did he mean well? Did he consider them pets, or was he an obsessive compulsive collector of things…which in this case just happened to be live animals?

Was he trying to make a difference and save the world one animal at time or did he just have Dilusions of Grandeor? And how come I don’t even know how to spell that last reference – even with the help of Webster.com? Judy A – help me out here…I know you will.

I think sometimes we humans get very mixed up. When I think about the huge task of caring for them…I mean REALLY caring for them…and THEN add on any possible health issues…it is overwhelming! And how did he even feed them all on a daily basis…I am sure it cost a small fortune. And the time it must have taken – did he have help? Or worse yet – did he even do it on a daily basis?

Maybe he realized he couldn’t do it all, but was in over his head and didn’t know what to do. He freed all the animals and then took his own life. He was definitely under some major stress. Doing a little research I was able to find out he had been cited for animal abuse before. Who failed here? Him? The government? It sucks that the government should have to step in to save us and our animals from ourselves. But what else do we have here?

Whatever his motives and intentions were – even if they were noble in the beginning…he clearly needed help. Mental help, emotional help, something. Some people are against government interference claiming it to be a violation of rights, but it sure could have prevented a tragedy on the scale we witnessed today.

I just don’t know.

I DO hope it raises enough awareness so that in the future, obtaining permits to own wild animals is drastically changed and made more stringent so that people like this guy won’t even have the choice to get in over their heads. Then the wild things can stay, roam and LIVE…where the wild things are meant to be.

So I recently posted pictures of the rings Will and I exchanged as we dedicated ourselves to each other. Everyone HAD to know – did you just exchange rings or did you officially get married?

Folks…what is the difference? Is it more important to vow yourselves before God or a state? Is it more important to make a promise, an oath, a forever statement to your heavenly Father and each other, or to the government so they can tax us differently and put us in a different category?

In my past I have done the official state thing. And somehow I got more caught up in the whole “on paper” thing, name changes, official signatures, etc. that I feel like it detracted from what was really important. The heart.

Another thing that has happened with me before is that the moment all the dog and pony show stuff was over…I was left feeling a little empty. Unfulfilled. Like everything was riding on that one big moment and from there forward it was a downhill ride. Guilty as charged. And THAT is NOT how it should be. And the sad thing is that I hear this a lot from many couples.

I have a good friend whose marriage is still going beautifully strong. On her wedding day one of her friends got up and said something like, “I hope today is the day you love each other the least”. That confused my very immature brain at the time because I was still thinking upside down. I was still thinking immaturely about the goal of every little girl…to grow up, meet a prince and get married, married, married. The end.

Folks…that is dangerous thinking. After doing that twice…I am here to say – I finally get the statement that was made at that wedding all those years ago. It resonated in my brain for a long time. And now I finally get it. And I have shifted my goals as well.

My goal in this marriage is to act like I’m not married at all. To act like we are still kids dating, exploring, respecting and loving each other like it was our last day together. Rushing home from work because 9 hours apart was just a little too much. Considering the other’s feelings above our own. Longing looks – just because. And lots and lots of wrestling around, playing and laughing!!!

I hope today is the day I love that man the least. When I look back at our first dates, when I was falling in love and even back to the moment we first said outloud “I love you” – I realize how much MORE I love him now. So years from now – I hope to look back at today and think…wow – I thought I loved him “then”…look at us NOW!

There are a few of you that have achieved this. I can see it. Others see it. You know who you are too. You can feel it when you are set apart like that. Cheers to you for the inspiration and beauty you have made in the world. And not because it is easy. Not because your life is perfect. Not because every day is roses and chocolate. Because you are real, and you really love each other – no matter what – and more every day. You have made a strong and concious decision.

This weekend I said I do. Not, I did. It’s the purest joy I have ever felt. All because my goal on that day and even today – is that at this moment in time I loved my sweetheart less than I will tomorrow and years to come. And when you see us years from now, kissing in public and laughing out loud like college kids, you’ll think…they act like the most unmarried married couple I have ever seen.

I’m old enough to know the rules and consequences of breaking them…and experienced enough to know when and how to break the silly ones when needed.

I’m still young enough to do…well – anything I want.

I’m free to act like a complete goofball when I want to. Because I am old enough now that I don’t care what anyone really thinks about that kind of stuff. If they want to be a stick in the mud – that is their own right…not my problem.

I finally found out who I am…and I like myself.

I stopped trying to please everyone…when I finally realized that is impossible anyway.

I have learned how to forgive myself and stop expecting perfection…and how to laugh at myself.

I try not to have any expectations from anyone else…this way I stay surprised when people do good things, but am not disappointed when they make mistakes.

I believe in God. It makes me happy. But I will not force my views on anyone else or assume anyone has to believe like me. If you’re interested in my little inner spark – just ask and I will tell you more. No one is going to persuade people to believe in something so personal by hitting them on the head, knocking on a door or throwing a list of rules at them. It is about a relationship. It’s a choice. That takes time and trust.

I don’t judge people anymore. Yes…I used to when I was younger, opinionated and ignorant. Now I know that if you judge, you will be judged. I also realized I am not right about everything. I enjoy listening to different points of view and instead of opposing them…many times I am pleasantly enlightened.

I don’t like to argue. I won’t anymore…it doesn’t go anywhere positive. But I have learned how to address things instead of let them stew, fester and become an eruption. It takes wisdom to find root causes to issues and it takes guts to actually address it. Then…it takes love to address it all with respect.

Though I still have moments where I’d like to, the reality is that I’m not supposed to have the figure of a 16 year old. I just need to stay healthy and active enough so I can keep up (or stay ahead of) my kids.

I learned people are busy, distracted and accidentally self centered. It’s not personal. If you really want to talk to someone in particular…call or visit them. You’ll both be thankful.

I work smarter at work (not longer), play harder at play and laugh…loud and as much as possible.

I know that the hard times don’t last, so keep going…it won’t last forever.

I know that the really great times don’t last…so soak up the moment…it won’t last forever.

Work is not my identity. It’s a place to learn, grow, give of my skills and leave it behind when I leave the office.

Motherhood is not my identity. It’s an incredible blessing and title that I take seriously, hang on to each moment and am in no hurry to rush. I have learned more about life and love by being a mom and I am so thankful for each snuggle, little kiss, giggle – and even the fits (they are healthy and alive).

Happiness is not guaranteed, but joy is only a matter of perspective. I choose joy.

I have learned to honestly forgive others – it doesn’t “condone” any wrong doing, but it frees you from the prison of resentment and bitterness.

I have made peace with the past by accepting I can’t change it, but instead use each mistake as lessons forward so they are not in vain.

I still have big dreams to publish music and books, and even open an innovative candy business one day. Rather than be annoyed that I can’t do it all right now, I realize there is only so much time in a day. I have to make peace with focusing on the priorities of the moment and keep the dreams alive long enough to be able to act on them one day.

I try very hard to love with reckless abandon despite being hurt beyond belief. I realized that if I gave up on love, I would be giving up on life. My girls deserve much better than that.

I am learning about true unconditional love from my children. They are the teachers here…

I’m old enough to really know my weaknesses and annoying habits and try to at least warn people, and temper them down much as possible.

Don’t get caught up in the annoying small things that can eat at you…breathe…shake it off…go play.

If I am annoyed with someone to the point that I want to change them…it is usually me that needs to change.

Don’t worry about things that haven’t even happened yet.

I don’t have as much time to spend with my girl friends as I wish I had. So I try to make the moments I do have with them really count. Even if it’s just a phone call. But I have also found – good friends understand, and you can pick up right where you left off. We’re all busy.

Don’t miss the small moments in life – the smiles, laughs, holding hands, unsolicited I love yous, because these are really the big things.

I had to love myself and my life before I could find someone that really loved me and my life. It took me a long time…I will try very hard to not take it for granted.

I am an open book. I have many lessons to pass on to whoever will listen. I try to be honest, and vulnerable – even when it makes me look stupid. If it helps someone else or prevents them from making some of the mistakes I have made…it is all worth it.

Look directly into the eyes of the people you love the most…often.

Acceptance + Surrender = Joy and Peace

I had planned on going in to the gory details but will spare you and just say – I am very thankful for new found perspective. Now it’s time to move forward. I was stuck and felt I couldn’t honestly blog until I came clean and revealed that huge gap in the radar. I thought up a millions of ways to deliver it and in the end – simplicity won. Yeah simplicity!

If you have questions ask. I will be honest and reply. But I don’t feel the need to bog down cyber space with all that right now.

So what IS it time for right now?

Whatever comes to mind – for whomever that might stumble upon here and read it. I have no idea why, but even though I haven’t blogged in 6 months, I have daily activity…and over 10,000 hits. For a little blog that I didn’t think anyone would even read, apparently someone is. So…this is for you out there… and for me.

I am back from sabbatical and back in the writing saddle. Look out world…who knows what comes next.

saw snow capped mountains and frost kissed new green

pink showers of blossoms, rain smelled so sweet

as 1000 miles passed under my feet

with traffic and toll booths and rest stops and songs

the music that traveled with me all along

North meets the South and we melt into one

embrace of old friends with tears, laughter and fun

don’t let destinations and goals to achieve

overshadow the beauty of the sacred journey

So anyway.

She has not yet developed that ol American competitive spirit yet. In fact, when we play chutes and ladders every time she spins the spinner…instead of continually advancing, she keeps going back to start and moves the amount of spaces for the new “spin”. So while I keep climbing up (and sliding down) she just keeps going back to start and stays within the same 1-6 spaces over and over again. This could potentially make for an eternally long game, but after awhile she miraculously wins by somehow, magically and instantaneously making it to the winning square. How does she do it?

I have stopped trying to explain the object of the game to her, because I know she knows. She just chooses to do it “her way”. I know this is just a phase and that she will grow out of it soon, so I don’t push it because at this age it is so darn cute. I know that she will soon tire of this, and she will want the challenge.

But I do wonder…is it stubborness? Is it the comfort of the familiar? Is it the fear of making progress only to fall backwards?

Maybe I am overanalyzing it, but I can’t help but see myself in the allegory of it all. I used to also be stuck in the same familiar spaces of my life…afraid of taking risks, afraid of the unknown, unsure how to even get beyond my own invisible prison walls. So I kept going back to square one instead of continually advancing. If I didn’t climb…then I couldn’t fall. If I didn’t fight for the winning position…I could never really “lose”.

But at some point I needed the challenge. At some point, the risk of falling was greater than the risk of staying put and becoming stagnant, dormant…more dead than alive. I had to break out of my little spaces that I had kept myself in for too long. I had to venture out into the unknown. I had to start living by faith. I needed to excercise real faith and attempt to make progress…reach for a goal…even if it meant falling down. Even if it meant…”losing”.

It’s a big girl decision and one that I don’t regret. Since I moved beyond my invisible prison I have climbed really high, and fallen really low. But I feel alive. I would never want to go back to my childish way of living…always playing it safe and never going beyond my comfort zone. I mean – don’t get me wrong. I am still as immature as ever, just not confined or controlled by fear.

I still have moments of second guessing myself, doubting my capabilities, decisions, self worth, etc. If I allow myself to dwell on those things too long I can still find myself in a holding pattern. I have to push myself beyond the obstacle…beyond the comfort zone…and challenge myself. At those moments I have to remind myself, it’s ok to have child like faith, but it’s not ok to get stuck in child like traps.

Which makes me think about another old favorite game…Mouse trap! Now THERE’s a cool game right there. As I digress from pure exhaustion, I realize it’s way past my bedtime and time to blog off. Gotta go brush my teefers, jump into my footed jammies and snuggle up with Mr. Fuzzy Munches. Nighty night.

Surrender. Acceptance. Faith. And once these are in place – real love and hope can do it’s work. Until real surrender and acceptance is gained – I really think that true love is questionable. Because without those two key things…love is more of a give to receive thing…conditional and superficial. Sadly, many people never get to the point of real surrender and acceptance and live a life of incompleteness…love based on actions or expectations.

So – in my transformation, I have gone from being a broken, devastated, shell of a person to…a strong single mommy that is able to counsel others! WOW! I am living proof that hearts CAN mend. Even a very defeated, mangled, half dead heart.

My 3 year old has recently found some fascination with the story of Humpy Dumpty. She has a lot of good questions. Like…why couldn’t he be fixed? Maybe I had never really thought about it on such a deep level before, but I had never really seen myself in that story until recently. And I had never seen how truely sad and hopeless his plight was before.

Yes, of course, Humpty is a great teaching story of why eggs shouldn’t be on walls…or little girls jump on beds for instance. Sometimes bad things happen…and sometimes they can’t be fixed.

Sometimes sweet, beautiful little children die of cancer. Sometimes a car goes left of center. Sometimes a plane falls from the sky.

Sometimes a marriage disentagrates, for instance. All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put my marriage back together again. If by all the kings horses and men – I mean…me, my spouse, a marriage counselor, the children, the promises, family members, friends and pastors. It all came down to the lack of surrender and acceptance. Surrendering ourselves to each other, surrendering our stubborn wills, agendas and expectations. Accepting each other for who we are and loving each other through it. Without that solid foundation…no kings, horses, or magic wands can save any marriage. Only the two people on that precarious wall can save it.

But hearts on the other hand…individual hearts CAN be healed. It may take years and years. In my case – it has taken nearly 40. Not 40 YET!! Just…almost. Everyone has their own time table. But it can happen. Anyone that knows me, knows that it is true. A miraculous reconstruction took place.

I fell off a wall…or in my case, it might have been more like a high horse, but anyway…I was knocked down to size in a billion tiny pieces of sadness. It was years in the making. Shattered shell – all over the place. Egg on the face, a potentially irreversible mistake could have ended my story just like Humpty’s. Poor Humpty.

Abandonment, abuse, rape, molestation, secrets, lies, loneliness and eventually anger, bitterness and resentment. If I was Mrs Humpty…I would have probably been a really rotten, smelly egg. I would have knocked the kings horses and men out – they couldn’t have saved me because they would have been rendered completely useless. lol.

And – honestly – they were. No one could have saved me from that fall but the King himself. He took the broken pieces and put them back together – even better than before…cracks and all. Now I am a mosaic of pieces that make a whole picture. Where as before…I was in one piece, but didn’t see the whole picture.

But that’s just my take on things. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. You can call me a quack…or say I am all cracked up. Go ahead. I know eggzactly what you’re thinking. Gag…really? Puns now? Terrible yokes? Am I THAT tired?

Back to point. Sometimes we can’t change certain events. We can’t stop death. We can’t go back in time and change things. But we can decide how to move forward…and how we are going to live with those events in our lives. Constructively or destructively.

We can live with the broken pieces and keep waiting for someone to come along and pick the pieces up for us…or we can surrender it, accept things the way they are…and find peace – in the pieces.

I have written several children’s books and tons of music and am even working on a middle reader and adult age range book. Maybe it is time that I focus on these projects for awhile. This blog may have served its purpose and is now done. I am not sure, but I do know this blog has at least entered a season of silence.

I am still surprised how much traffic I still get – even though I haven’t written in months. I wonder how long it will stay active.

I have been very thankful for this platform and cyber voice that I could use to get all my darkest secrets out. Whether anyone else agrees or not…it was apparently (along with a few other things) what I needed to do to find peace. To be completely released of the strongholds of the past.

I am 6 months into being a changed woman. Not a day passes by where I am not completely thankful in nearly everyway possible.

A friend recently asked me an interesting question. We are reading a book called Hind’s feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard. This is a great book – my favorite in fact. In this book, (Spoiler alert) the main character ends up assuming a new name after she undergoes a major transformation. My friend asked what my new name would be.

Ironically I had just been thinking about that very thing the same morning she asked that question that afternoon.

My name Lee Ann – means peaceful meadow. Now…my entire life I have been anything BUT a peaceful meadow. I have been a chaotic tornado, a self destructive hurricane, a confused victim and an erupting volcano…but I can assure you…I was not a peaceful meadow.

Not until 6 months ago. So…I don’t think I would change my name. I think I just finally grew INTO my name. It only took almost 40 years, but I have always been a late bloomer.

I am just thankful to have arrived at all. I am not saying I am always a picture of peace. I am just saying that I feel it. I am at peace. I am content.

Silence was something I had always been a bit afraid of. Or maybe I craved it, but could never seem to achieve it…which made me feel uncomfortable. I always felt some kind of disturbance or restlessness in the background of my soul. Like static on a tv in a room that I couldn’t ever find and turn off! It was exhausting. You know – that feeling of being painfully aware and uncomfortable in your own skin kinda thing…

But peace has finally found me! At least for now. And how I am enjoying every moment of it. I am me…the good, the bad and the honest. Not perfect. Just peaceful.

And apparently peaceful contentness equals a season of silence in this case. So, faithful readers, I have enjoyed sharing this very significant journey with you all. I may come back to this at some point in time and revive it. But for now…I declare an official season of peaceful, happy, beautiful silence.

Love and hugs,

Peaceful Meadow

If you are tired of the drama and unhappy place you are in life…change it. You are the only one that has that power. At some point you have to stop pointing the blame at everyone else. I know…I am talking from experience. And ever since I started accepting not just my own flaws, but other peoples mistakes…life has been a whole lot easier – and happier. Not perfect. But peaceful.

A really great thing happened the other day. A good and dear friend of mine who has stuck by my side through the worst of the worst…said she is finding that she is able to accept some of her hardest-to-get-along-with people in her life recently too. She was trying to figure it out. And she said to me – maybe it is because I see how you are letting go of “it”.

Nevermind what the “IT” is. The “it” is not the point. Or…maybe it is. Because everyone has an “it” to overcome. Steven Kings book “IT” was kind of genius in that way. Because “it” can be a monster and destroy your life if you let “it”.

But the point of this story is – how cool is it that by me coming to a place of peace and acceptance…that I might have helped someone else along in the process too! Maybe…mabye not. But it sure didn’t hurt. The other option was for me to continue struggling with “it” so very ungracefully and causing more drama and heartache than good in the world.

And what do you want to see in YOUR world? You can decide. I don’t always make the wisest choice. But it sure feels good when I actually do become the change that I want to see in the world. I hope I make it more of a habit.

It is true – I am a very different person now. 3 months ago – everything changed. I realized for once and for all…It is not all about me.

Depending on what side of the grass you are on – this may sound really positive or really negative. For instance:

When talking about struggles, strife, failures, family issues, etc. When you say it is not all about me – this gives you a bit of distance and peace about it. When you realize there is more to the story – you can see the whole picture and not take things so personally. This is positive.

Now…try it for victories, success, moments of glory, achievement. It is not all about me. Hmm….sounds a little different now. We want these moments to be all about us. BUT – they’re not.

We cannot have it both ways.

Once you really can achieve this way of thinking – it is such a powerful, freeing thing. But It is a perspective shift. Almost like those magic 3d pictures – where you stare at a blob of a mess then suddenly – YOU SEE IT! The 3d image jumps off the page! You get it!

Now – do not confuse this with giving up, disconnecting completely, ignoring, not dealing with, hiding, or running from the truth. These are all very destructive. Believe me…I have tried that – for like 25 years and folks – it does NOT work.

What I am talking about is a surrendering of control, getting yourself out of the way, realizing that you are just a part of a huge tapestry – not the one weaving it. You are a part of a greater picture.

It’s not easy. Our very human nature is very ego centric. We have some innate instinct to be very self centered.

For instance, how many of you think or thought that our universe was smack dab in the middle of our milky way? How surprised were you or are you to know that we are on the very edge of our milky way and that there are thousands…probably billions more milky ways just like ours stretching to infinity. From that point of view – our solar system looks completely insignificant.

But making you feel insignificant is not the goal here. Humbling you, perhaps is. Illustrating how we are just a part of a much larger picture – yes. Trying to help others – and myself – remember that it really is not all about us.

When people make mistakes and say something really stupid that could potentially offend the heck out of you…like for instance, “She should not have had that second child – she should have just stopped at one”, I can now more easily just move on and chalk that up to – that is not my problem…that is their very skewed perception.

The old me would have stewed on that one for months and even years and let it seep into my veins like poison. But the new me – the “It’s not all about me” me, lets it roll right off. Because I cannot change anything by worrying about why that person said that.

Yes – life is more difficult with two girls. But how on earth could I even for a moment entertain that kind of thinking or even try to figure it out? Do you see how freeing it can be? That comment is not about me. I cannot fix it or claim it. I just have to let that go and continue to be the best mommy I can be to this amazingly frustrating and extremely rewarding little gift of a beautiful child.

On the other hand – consider this during a moment of victory. I recently bought a house, a car, a new piano…all on my own finances. But still…I didn’t get there all alone. I had an army of supportive friends cheering me on along the way, helping me move, coming over and celebrating this new chapter. It is not all about me. We are in this together. How selfish it would be of me to not acknowledge and recognize all the wonderful people in my life that carried me along the way.

And what do you know? I have established the best friends I have ever had by this kind of thinking. We are more connected, more deeply bonded and more honestly vulnerable than ever before. Because…yes…it is NOT all about me.

I am so much happier now. Every day truly is a gift. Not a drag. I was so wrapped up in the details of life and how I might be able to control or influence everything…and it is down right exhausting and destructive. You will be very miserable if you live your life this way. I know first hand.

So there is my little secret to a much happier life. Some of you have already figured this out and this is nothing new to you. In fact…you are probably shaking your head a laughing, thinking…”duh!…Finally you get it, you knucklehead”.

But hey – better late than never. Because I know some very old, unwise and immature adults that still think the world is all about them. And that is about the saddest and scariest thing I can imagine.

Because life is not all about YOU! It’s all about…ME!

lol…just checking to see if you were still reading.