Don’t know about you, but I just needed a good laugh. I was eating some snacks earlier and for some reason I thought about the very helpful and detailed instructions I read on a bag of peanuts years ago on a flight to somewhere – yes when peanuts were still allowed on planes. It read, “Open bag, eat nuts”. I thought it was hilarious. It made my day (it’s the simple things in life) but it made me think that someone out there has as warped of a sense of humor as I do…unless of course they were serious – and in that case? It’s still hilarious.
So I found on line some other stupid instructions and here are some of the funnier ones I found. You have probably seen or heard some of these, but some were new to me so I put all my favorites together and added some of my own commentary. I know that sometimes these instructions are put on the items because of legal issues…or because perhaps someone really did some of these ridiculous things. As Homer Simpson would proudly say, “Because of me, now there’s a sign”. But I have to believe that some of these are just plain silly and the manufacturers are possibly showing their sense of humor…maybe? I can only hope.
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping. But it saves so much time when I do that!
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Great – I have always wanted to give shoplifting a try (no, not really). I’d love to just start opening up bag after bag and show the clerk the instructions…see? I’m just doing what I was told to do.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. Is Dial irregular soap? Or super hero soap or something?
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. Really? Even in the winter when I get really really cold?
On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. Just as I suspected…we could save millions on the rising costs of insurance if we would just keep those 5 year olds off the roads!
On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. As opposed to outer space or underwater or some other dimension or something?
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. See…this is one that opens the door to all kinds of things that I wouldn’t have even dreamed of before…now that they say I shouldn’t, I’m tempted to try it for the other use…hmmmm…but what IS the OTHER use? I give up…what is it?
On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food. Yes…and THEN what? And WHOSE food? I need some specifics here! Actually I need to enforce this one better with my two year old who would prefer to just eat the ketchup directly out of the bottle or lick it off her fingers if I would let her.
On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow. But I was having a dream I was sleeping on a huge marshmallow…can you blame me?
On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. Buzz kills! But I think this one might be valid and was actually put on there because of my brother.
In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets. Shew…thank goodness my animals are too big…I didn’t know about this!
On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine. I’m confused – are they saying I shouldn’t get into the washer, or are they suggesting I should do the laundry naked? And what exactly am I supposed to be distributing in the washing machine?
In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the ‘ON/OFF’ button to the ‘ON’ position. Yea…but do they tell you how to turn the thing off again? Please don’t leave me hanging like this!
In a hotel bedroom:
Please do not turn on TV except when in use. What? I don’t even know what to say to this one, but my head hurts.
On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair. But nothing else sets my hair products quite like it. I believe this was probably an 80’s thing…blow torches and aqua net is the only thing that makes sense when I come to think of it for that metal hair bands signature look.
On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping. But it is quite fine and tasty for pancakes and waffles though.
On a box of fireworks:
Do not put in mouth. Just ears and noses.
On a toaster:
Do not use underwater. Thanks so much for the tip! I’m guessing it’s because the bread would get really soggy and defeat the whole purpose of toasting it, right? I mean, what other reason could there be?
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. Really? As if hands weren’t ridiculous enough…did we really have to go THERE? Move over Lorraina Bobbit…apparently there are some Swedish dudes and chicks that have some REAL issues.
On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally. Because it IS so tempting and easy to mistake as a toothbrush…I mean, I know I have accidentally made this mistake…a few times now. I mean, I am a woman of efficiency here. How many times have you finished cleaning the toilet and thought…hey…I could just kill two birds with one stone here, ya know?
In a dishwasher manual:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher. Darn…I had just scheduled my next toddler play group meeting in mine after they had so much fun in the washing machine last time…and I just found that the washing machine is not safe either…oh where, oh where will we play now?! And while we are at it…they are specific about children not being allowed in there…but what about ex mother in laws?
On a TV remote:
Not Dishwasher safe. What? I just found out from a previous note that no toddlers are allowed in dishwashers, and NOW I can’t put my remote in the dishwasher either? Man! Next they are going to tell me that I’m going to have to stop letting my cats pee in there too!
Have you ever had a situation where you didn’t have the idea of doing something really stupid until someone planted the idea in your head by telling you NOT to do it? I remember a time when I was really little, but old enough to remember this…and obviously too old to be using a pacifier. I was doing some kind of craft that required scissors. I had my pacifier there too. Mom says, “Now, Lee Ann, don’t cut your pacifier”. I remember thinking, hmm…now THAT sounds like an interesting idea. And I eventually did cut it because I couldn’t resist experimenting what would happen, how it would feel to cut through it – all because she had given me the suggestion. The thought had never even crossed my mind until she said not to do it.
Yes, we have all probably been guilty of not helping our own cause by trying to help, but not really helping. Some of these instructions are just plain silly or conjure up more questions than answers. Sometimes we try to say something so clearly that it makes it completely ridiculous or even more vague…Like perhaps me…right now.
I’ll quit while I’m ahead, or behind or whatever ridiculous path I have led you down this time. Thanks for reading and if nothing else, I hope you at least got a couple good chuckles out of those silly instructions like I did.