When my marriage was ending my husband told me that he had only been in love with the “idea” of me. And he went so far to tell me that I was only in love with the “idea” of him. That really hurt me to the core – both statments. But I have come to finally accept the truth in that. Doesn’t love or faith of any kind start out with the “idea” of it?
Is there anything wrong with that? It all starts with an idea and a feeling. Short of knowing the future, everything in life is a risk; Loving someone, deciding to have a relationship, accepting a job, deciding on a certain school for your child, choosing which way to drive to work on a certain day, believing in God.
Big things and small things…they all involve risk. The risk of trusting that things will go the way you “hope” they will go. Does it discount the validity of the initial feelings though? I mean, hindsight is everything. In a recent blog I said I probably shouldn’t have married my 2nd husband in the first place, but on further thinking about it, I think that is a lie and a cop out. I bought into the “idea” theory that he planted in my head.
But the real truth is that I did love him. Very much. Over this past year I have somehow separated myself so much from the pain and truth of that, that it does seem easier or logical to say it was all just a mistake based on some idea. But isn’t that life? A series of trials and errors based on ideas? If we dismissed everything up to just an idea, nothing would be true and we could explain everything away when it went wrong.
I don’t buy it. I believe in love. I am not afraid to say that I loved very much. The confusing thing is that when love ends or doesn’t look the way you think it should…sometimes it makes you think it was NEVER there in the first place. But that is a lie. It was and is still there. You just may have to look with a different perspective. Saying it never existed is a cop out. It is the easy way. That way you can walk away justified. There is something wrong with that.
I’m sorry for my earlier post – Lessons from the Darby. I think I was wrong. It makes me sad too. How easily we can be confused or accept things just to make it seem ok. Unless there is some kind of abuse, walking away and ending a marriage is not just OK. Especially when there are kids involved. A lot of times in life we have to accept it, because it takes two. I pleaded for my marriage. I fought for it. I even wanted him back knowing he had an affair. I still believed that love could prevail. But he had already given up and waved the magic “idea” wand.
He told me it was too late and that I should have fought that hard for the marriage along time ago. But love is never too late…hearts are just too hard. Love is always love.
The problem is that my expression of love at that place in time did not look like the kind of love that he wanted. He had already moved on to a new, younger, “idea”. I was just an old, conquered, idea…and easily dismissed somehow. My love looked desperate, broken, and sometimes even angry. I was fighting for my marriage…I was fighting to keep my family together…and yes…I was angry. But I can assure you, it was out of love.
When Jesus knocked over those tables in the temple…He did it out of love. He was mad! He was fighting for the honor of His Father’s house. It wasn’t just an “idea”. It was out of love for God, and for the people that were making the wrong choices and justifying it. I am not comparing myself to Jesus, here, by the way. I am just saying that sometimes emotions come out in different ways. Sometimes even love is angry.
I think a lot of marraiges could be repaired. I really do. I am sorry it sounded like I so easily dismissed something I still feel so strongly about. I had to let go of my husband. He was imperfect and I could easily say I should have never married him. Maybe that is even true, but the fact is that I did. I refuse to just chalk it up to a “mistake”. And…the last time I checked, I am far from perfect. The mistake was giving up.
I eventually had to let go because it was literally killing me. If you knew me a year and a half ago, you would know that I had to make a decision to stop loving someone that no longer loved me because it was so devastating to keep trying to love and being rejected over and over. I literally felt like I had a gaping hole in my heart. I started starving myself because that pain would slightly mask the physical pain in my heart. I can totally understand how some people can actually die of a broken heart. I could have been one of those.
But I am a mom. I didn’t have that option. I had to let go of my love, which was much more than just an idea.
So…not sure why I am posting this today. It is just heavy on my heart. Sorry again if you read that previous blog and read my cop out. Everything starts out as an idea. Nothing would exist without it. But just because it ends, doesn’t mean it never was.