I had a surprise pity party thrown for me tonight! My old friends Sorrow and Suffering snuck in and surprised me with a bundle of ridiculous thoughts and a bottle of bitterness. They even invited Pride over, who of course, commanded all the attention and thought it was all about him.
But it was for ME. And I sulked around like I deserved something in this world, felt angry about circumstances I cannot change and let myself be miserable for awhile. I dwelled on all the past and current injustices in my life and fretted a bit over the uncertain future.
You know…if I just weren’t so darn witty, beautiful, talented and outstanding…then maybe I wouldn’t feel so let down when I don’t get everything handed to me just the way I think it should be. I mean, it’s real shame I am such an exceptional girl and yet so overlooked sometimes!
Vrrriipp! Wait a minute! Ok…so maybe I am the only self deprecating soul that would actually reveal the pathetic inner workings of such nonsense. But it happens, doesn’t it? To even the best of us. I’m talking about pity parties. These ridiculous little windows of our lives where we just let ourselves go to that stupid place.
These moments where pride whispers in our ear that we deserve something that we somehow believe we should have. When things are out of perspective, wounds are reopened and lonely creeps in to hold our hand. Problems are magnified to impassable mountains and you can’t see or think straight.
Being a single working mother of two girls is an incredibly hard thing. Having too many places to be and not enough time to accomplish it all wears me out. Trying to give my big girl the undivided attention she needs to help her with her homework, while making dinner and attending to my 2 year old who is very busy doing stuff that 2 years olds do…is enough to wear me thin, but doing it night after night after night…
I constantly feel like I am giving…giving…giving myself away and at the end of the day…it is still not enough. I am always busy, but yet still never accomplish half of the things I wish I could. I am worn out and exhausted most of the time and yet need to put on a happy face for the world so I don’t bum them out.
Sometimes I am still just a little girl needing a hug…needing someone to just recognize I have been through a lot…but never getting that. Sometimes I just want someone to acknowledge that I am freaking amazing and it is even more amazing that I am THIS amazing because of all the things I have experienced. I need a little sympathy. And they will tell me all kinds of wonderful things about me and how they love me just for who I am and…blah blah blah. Yes…a pity party built for not just one, but two or more. Can you imagine? Pretty Pathetic.
But what if I actually got my wish? Would I even believe a word they were saying? Do I really want to hear those things at all? What would I even do? Who do I think I am anyway?!
So…suddenly at my very own self pity party…some party crashers come in and MESS everything up! Clarity and Peace show up and put the smack down on the whole thing! They start by running off Pride – which isn’t really hard to do because he is rather cowardice beneath his charming smile.
Then they show Sorrow and Suffering to the door and give them a swift kick in the booty. They remove all the bottles of bitterness and replace it with the spirit of comfort and grace. They start cleaning stuff up, giving me a different perspective and helping me see that things are not really quite as impossible as I momentarily thought.
The truth is this. Yes. Sometimes life stinks. Sometimes it is very, very hard and unfair. Sometimes you have to give way more than you receive…in fact…you should on a regular basis. If you are the one receiving all the time, you are probably very lonely and miserable and should seriously start thinking about how to change that…because we all have the power to change.
Here is the bottom line. Crap happens. Some days are harder than others. Deal with it, and then move on. Just like my last post “Right around the corner” you have to keep moving. Just like Dory said in the movie Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming”.
If you need to cry or be angry then cry or be angry (preferably not on anyone else) – but don’t dwell on it. Give your emotions the moment they deserve, but don’t indulge them to the point of gluttony.
And if you are lonely it is probably because you are not allowing people to be close to you. Make some adjustments there. And also realize that people are busy! Everyone else is just as self absorbed as you are and people don’t mean to ignore you when you need them the most…they are just busy living their own lives too. It’s not personal. And they can’t read your mind. Get your pride out of the way and wave a white flag when you need help now and then.
The problem with people is that we are driven by our egos. Remember that Eggo waffle commercial back in the…what…I am dating myself here…70’s or 80’s? “Leggo of my Eggo!” Well, I have to remind myself sometimes to chill out and “let go of my ego”.
Ego sneaks up in the weirdest of places and disguises itself as all kinds of emotions. It fills our heads with ridiculous thoughts. Ego and Pride…a match made in misery.
Well. I gotta get to bed. I am exhausted after all this partying and crashing and what not. Glad you decided to drop by and read my mini train wreck and recovery though. Cheers to you and your pity parties and revelations of past, present and future. And remember to chill out, not take yourself so seriously and “Leggo your ego” whenever you start feeling a little self righteous.