It seems I have a new reader. My ex. And it seems I owe him an apology for the way I have portrayed him in this blog.
First of all, let me be the first to welcome my new subscriber. Thanks so much for taking the time from your very busy and important life to care enough to read my thoughts. I find it a surprising use of your time. That would have been super handy about 3 years ago.
But I know it is not my thoughts that sends this new reader my way. It is self invested egocentric curiosity, research, and potential ammunition to use against me in some form or fashion.
He indicated that my perception is not the truth. I think he was asking me to remove some of the posts that might have reflected him in a negative light. I think he was also asking me to not continue blogging – at least not about him anymore.
This is the same man that bleeds heart and soul…Freedom of speech. Wow. Kinda interesting. I guess he means only for certain people or topics. But he is definitely off limits. He always was the exception to any rule.
I didn’t budge, so he decided to use the kids as a bargaining chip. Something to the effect that it would be terrible for the girls to read all this someday.
When he didn’t get the response he was hoping for, he threw the Bible card at me and started preaching about forgiveness, Christian behavior, and basically tried to guilt me into feeling like a really bad person for attempting to put into words – my side of the story. That if I were really the Christian that I claim to be that I would forgive, forget, take the high road and move on. He also pointed out that spewing negativity in the world is not attractive nor an attribute of love.
And finally the all encompassing “I’m sorry” tactic. I’m sorry, I can’t change the past, I have made my peace with God, etc. Let bygones by bygones, I sincerely hope you are happy, etc.
Granted – I am paraphrasing here – because yes…my memory sucks…and yes…I was in a bit of shock.
I used to be so naive and gullible. I was a golden retriever of spouses…loyal, trusting, trainable, etc. I used to need acceptance and peace so badly that I fell for any kind of manipulation in the disguised form of an oscar award earning performance, I mean apology – used car salesmen style.
I guess maybe it has to do with the lack of sincerity in the tone? Perhaps being lied to repeatedly for so long just brings about a whole new jaded sense of mistrust to my golden retriever personality.
He asked if spilling my guts in this public forum was helpful or useful. Again…with a hint of disgust at my apparent slander, warped perception and possible defamation of his character and reputation.
I have to say I am flattered, in a strange, twisted way. This is just a little blog pushed off to a small corner of the world that a small handful of readers (thanks) happen to make time to read occasionally. I didn’t realize I would create such a stir.
But in all honesty…this is not about him. As much as he thinks it is. He is not a serotinous woman. He happens to be a small part of the picture within this tapestry of many colors. Also – I have never used his name. Unless you know me or him, he gets to remain anonymous. And most people that know me – still don’t know him because he was just never around enough.
If I were to cave in and remove or censor posts that he is referenced in (I will use his own freedom of speech and case against censorship on him)…then where else does that lead? What is next? If I start removing strings from the tapestry…it kind of all starts to unravel. If you remove paint from a canvas…it is no longer the original work of art that it was.
I don’t want to be that scared little rabbit anymore. Running from my fears. Responding to threats or the discomforts of others to the detriment of my own well being.
At the time of the affair – I reached out to everyone I could think of for help. I didn’t realize that I was grasping at straws. My life became a fun house of mirrors, and dead ends. Everything I thought was stable fell out beneath my feet. Not only did I lose a husband, but I lost his parents, a select group of his friends, not to mention my childhood dreams of a stable home – a solid, steady foundation for raising kids.
I wore 5 amazing individuals completely out with my over analyzing, repeated thoughts, snot nosed sob sessions, and rants. But at some point – you have to get it all out and shut up. They are my heroes. The selfless ones that helped me from losing my mind…well…debatable. But I found I still had more to say. A lot more. I had more to say then people had time to listen. I had more to say then I had time to talk.
So has this been helpful and if so…how? And why on earth would I continue to blog?
This is the first place I have ever been so completely honest and open about all of my thoughts, my experiences and my life – ever. By honest – yes, I do mean my perception of things. That is all I do know for sure – my perspective. I think it was his mom that once told me that perception is reality. In this blog I have not knowingly lied or mislead anyone. I have expressed my limited point of view through my filters, broken heart and shattered dreams.
Never before have I ever felt so liberated. I have lived the majority of my life, as a scared little quiet mouse, being victimized from one event to another, not saying a word to anyone…just taking it. I never wanted to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or I was shielding my loved ones from reality. I carried the dark details and burden of rapes and molestations, among many other events all alone.
And when I did let my guard down and tell a few select people – they used it as leverage to hold over my head as they threatened to tell someone about it. Now I have diffused that bomb. I released the truth – the good, bad and ugly. I don’t have any deep dark secrets anymore.
What my ex failed to mention is that I have also been self deprecating, dreadfully honest about my own flaws, admitted my faults and accepted responsibility for my shortcomings as a spouse (as a parent, a sister, and human in general). I continue to admit my weaknesses as I struggle with all kinds of topics from religion to silly things. That is just who I am.
I also need to say that I made a personal pact to myself and readers that I would never blog angry, or immature, Jerry Springer-like tirades (I save that for those 5 special people), or use this platform as a negative venting session about anyone – especially him. Now that is not to say that I have never used not-so-endearing adjectives to describe him in some cases.
Words like opinionated, dominating, controlling, manipulative, unwavering, relentless, driven, compulsive, obsessive, persuasive, convincing…hmm…I think that about covers it. Any of you folks that know him (because apparently a lot of his fan club reads this blog too) – have I missed anything? Some of these words he has even used to describe himself. I think that knowing your weaknesses can actually be a strength, so hats off to him for that.
So his last comment was a disgusted, “All I can do is ask”. I know that tone. I know what is coming. Retaliation. I suspect legal action or at least threats of it, or perhaps a new blog will be appearing in cyber space to tell his side. Because after all…we all have freedom of speech.
The thing is…I think I have already represented his side. 10 Ways To Ensure your Spouse Will Cheat On You is a good example of my candid honesty and my contribution to the demise of our marriage. I am not perfect. I am not a victim. But yes…I was broken, abandoned, and cheated on (in some capacity) while I was pregnant and nursing our child. And that just sucks…anyway you look at it.
If he does attempt a retaliation blog or tactic, the difference will be that I do this out of a passion to write, out of a freedom of speech, out of a need to let all the years of pain out into the light. Because the truth – yes, my truth – does set me free. I am encouraged to keep writing because I have heard from too many readers that found comfort in knowing that they are not alone or perhaps just knowing someone is even more messed up than them.
In spite of his perception, I honestly have tried to make it as fair as I know how at this stage in my progress. I have attempted to approach hard topics with emotional intelligence, insight, honesty, integrity and whenever possible try to find a positive spin on it. If that is not always possible – then I just try to be as open and candid and throw some ridiculous humor in with whatever hard topic I may be talking about as I can.
I have been blogging for nearly a year. It started as an experiment. I had no real preconceived notions or agenda. I didn’t even know if I could sustain it. All I knew was that I had a desire to write it out. A mission to address my silent demons…to bring monsters of the past out into the open to reflect, examine and analyze all different aspects of emotional and psychological impact. The amazing thing I am finding is that the monsters aren’t quite as big and scary when they are brought out into the light. It kind of minimizes their power or stronghold.
But I also get to show the other side of me. The goofy, nerdy part. The twisted sense of humor that people either really love or hate. I am a Nat Geo, science/nature geek at heart. I am sarcastic sometimes to a fault. I have a bit of a warped imagination and have enjoyed being able to share some of those sillier sides of me as well. For instance when I have been subjected to too many kid shows…I start picturing some fairly disturbing inappropriate content in my head…I’m just saying.
Lastly, and ironically – this blog has helped me march towards forgiveness. No I haven’t reached my goal completely. I have had moments of peace, clarity, hope, and progress towards it. He is asking me to do something magically overnight, that I am learning is an honest to God process. Putting a forgiveness bandaid on my forehead for all to see just to make it presentable is not the kind of superficial healing I am seeking. I am seeking deep down, soul changing, honest forgiveness. And I am moving towards it.
Honestly – I didn’t expect anyone to read this blog, let alone keep coming back. It has turned out to be so much more than an experiment. This is my space. I don’t have a million dollar therapist…I have this blog. This blog and this paddle ball game…That’s all I need. This blog, this paddle ball game and this lamp. And that’s all I need.
And this pillow…
OMG it’s late. Good night all my readers – old and new.