How do you like the new look?

With everything else new, (house, car, piano, and most importantly – a new lease on life)…I thought I need to change-up this site too. New look. New title. New feel. New me.

I almost abandoned this site totally and made a new one, but decided against it. It’s still me – just me in a different stage of life. And it still is part of the journey. It might be good to look back to keep track of the real progress being made, or see when I might back slide from my forward motion.

Out with the old dredging up the past, sifting through sad memories, trying to make sense of things. That season is now over. Thankfully!!

My goal over the past 2 years was to make it through the “fires” of life – alive. Though I barely escaped, by a lot of God’s grace, and nothing short of a miracle, and some amazing girl friends – I am still here.

The past few years I did just what I set out to do. Survive.

Now I have a new goal. Thrive.

Have I said how thankful I am lately?

Well, I have been kind of stuck, spinning my wheels (if you read my last post, then you know that I also ran over my own toes with those wheels). It was because Serotinous woman did not accurately define me anymore. I made it through the fire…check. I took root…check. I grew…check.

But a little over two months ago, I got transplanted from a rocky, scraggly, burned up field of ashes…to a fertile land with an awesome new view. I now have plenty of room to grow. This serotinous seed made it to a better place. A place of beauty. I have been given beauty for ashes (see a previous post of that title).

So, I hope with this new feel and title that I might get back on track of being a bit more faithful to this blog again. I just needed a new direction.

I think I might even feel a few buds growing…but I can’t be sure yet. Only time will tell.

The day in the life of a real live muppet

Today I rolled over my own toe with my office chair. Yes, really. Like I mangled it. And though it hurt so ridiculously bad I am laughing out loud even writing this because it was so down right hilarious. Picture this:

We have this huge open space with really smooth floors and super fast rollie chairs. We all just kind of fling ourselves over to each other’s desks when a discussion is needed. So, me and my exposed toes (as I was wearing sandals) proceed to wing myself over to a coworker, but stop short. What? What just happened?

Yes, it was at that moment that my nervous system signaled to my brain that my toe was in some serious distress. However…my brain could not fully process this news. I was in denial. Like…WHO actually runs over their own toe? Not me.

So I tried to move…but of course I could not…because my toe was stuck in the wheels!! All mangled up, I might add. I quickly realize that I couldn’t just pull my foot free…because I was still sitting in the chair – with all my weight on my throbbing toe!

So at this point – I look like a muppet character…I have to somehow get off the chair, but I am pinned down. So I start to do this hopping kind of motion – like perhaps someone that is ducktaped and held hostage in a chair – trying to hop across the room just to somehow FREE my toe!! YES – this is where you can laugh out loud. It was seriously funny.

I finally free myself, which happened in a matter of seconds, but it seemed like minutes – only to find my worst fears true. My toe is mangled and toe nail all messed up.

I still choose to ignore what just happened – again, pure denial – try to appear normal and proceed to carry out my mission of addressing the original work related issue at hand. Only to find out that I cannot actually talk normally and I was about to throw up from the level of pain.

That’s when it got real. I had to accept that it happened. It was bleeding a little bit and swelling fast. I managed to not throw up, but proceeded to do what any self respecting person would do. I went to the bathroom and had a good cry. I found myself re-inacting a Nancy Kerrigan newscast, as I said out loud between a few sobs, “Why?! Why me? How could this happen?!”. Which made my tears turn into laughter.

A dear coworker handed me a frozen water bottle in between earnest concern and what I can only explain as an Emmy award performance as she somehow managed to not inappropriately laugh at this very humorous, but potentially sensitive moment.

That’s when I took the time to actually imagine just HOW silly the whole event must have looked, I burst into laughter several times throughout the day – wishing it could have been caught on tape because it would have been hilarious to see it. A few colleagues joined in once they realized they wouldn’t hurt my feelings.

Next ridiculous event: Later in the day I was getting frustrated with my blackberry. This is the 3rd one I have had because of different defects. The touch pad was not working on this one, and was getting increasingly worse over time. I had made my mind up that 3 strikes and your out. I was going to turn it in to get something altogether new tomorrow.

Later this evening I was messing with it and noticed that there was a tiny thin film of plastic on the touch pad. I removed this little rascal and it has worked like a dream.

Of course I imagined how ridiculous I would have looked going into the Verizon store to share my dilemma…only for them to remove that little plastic liner and look at me with pity and more humor. Oh yes, that would have been fun.

Welp. Enough ridiculous fun and cold compresses for one day. Time to hobble off to bed. This gimpy muppet is exhausted. But at least I can call or text someone now…

The White Flag of Victory

Here’s the new quote of the day:

Once you finally realize that no one is listening, then you will probably be heard.

I used to have so much to say. I am struggling with what to blog next. I am just so peaceful, so thankful, so happy. It’s like I was giant volcano that was flowing for a year and then finally exploded…now there just isn’t much left. Only the peaceful, quiet aftermath. Like the unnatural silence after St. Helen’s exploded.

I have entered a new phase. A peaceful, quiet phase. A very content place. A place I never knew existed and I am not sure how long I will get to stay here in this hidden paradise.

I blogged for a year because I needed a voice. I had to reveal my deepest secrets. I had to get it out. I had to admit the truth in a lot of areas that I pretended just never happened. I had to attempt to make sense of it.

In the end, the only thing that brought peace was acceptance. But not an angry acceptance. An honest, acceptance with joy. My favorite book of all times is called Hinds’ Feet on High Places. The author calls it the ABC’s of love.

Acceptance with Joy

Then there is Bearing with love. After you can accept things the way they are in a joyful manner, then you can bear the burden with love. Because you see things in a whole different light. And you also realize, you are not really bearing the burden alone – or at all for that matter.

and I honestly never knew what the C was because she is vague about it, but I might guess it is Contentment.

If you have the first two in an honest capacity…it brings forth Contentment.

I have read this book over and over for 10 years or more. I have studied it. I have prayed about it. I have wished to have this transformation in my own life. But never experienced it until a few months ago.

It’s because I was still trying to make sense of things that sometimes just don’t make sense. Terrible things happen to good, innocent people sometimes. There is no “making sense” of it. My mind never stopped working – trying to piece the puzzle together to solve a riddle in which there were no answers. I was so lost. So tormented. So restless and unguided.

Maybe I wanted justice. Maybe I wanted revenge. But all my actions up until 2 months ago were all focused on what I could do or what other people could do to settle the score or make things right. And most of the time in life – that just doesn’t happen. And even if it did…then what? Even a sorry cannot change the past or give back what has been lost.

I had to wave my white flag. Usually a white flag means surrender. Which also mean defeat. But sometimes it is much wiser to wave the flag and save many lives than to continue to fight a losing battle until all is lost.

There have been several stages of surrender in my life leading up to this big one. I realized a few years ago that I was on a sinking ship of a marriage. I had to wave my white flag to save me and my girls. I had to wave my white flag and realize that I could not save my mother from herself and her mental illness and imprisoned mind that she is trapped within. I had to realize that I cannot make people act a certain way or respond how I might hope.

But I still didn’t let go completely. I waved my white flag with clenched teeth and white knuckles. I did it with my brain, not my heart. I did it with discipline, not humility.

But everything changed 2 months ago. My heart got it.

Again – details are not important. The result is. A transformation. A surprising twist to the story – that with God, surrender is not defeat, but victory.

Can I get a witness? Amen. lol. Ok…no, I am not really that girl.

But just like sometimes there is no logical answer for the horrible things in life – maybe there doesn’t have to be a logical answer for the really good things in life either.

(Pause…or paws…for an interlude here. My cat just fell asleep on the side of my keyboard…while I was typing! Yes, Charlie, I am tired too baby. It is time for sleeping.)

So – I’ll leave you with the thought of “““““` ok- that was Charlie’s nose…

I think it’s time to give up on this blog tonight and wave a white flag of victory on this post.

Until next time…“““““““““