Peace in the Pieces

Who could have guessed that I would be at such a peaceful place that I almost forgot the complete anguish and devastation that I had felt only 2 years ago. 2 years! And how did THAT happen? Wow.

Surrender. Acceptance. Faith. And once these are in place – real love and hope can do it’s work. Until real surrender and acceptance is gained – I really think that true love is questionable. Because without those two key things…love is more of a give to receive thing…conditional and superficial. Sadly, many people never get to the point of real surrender and acceptance and live a life of incompleteness…love based on actions or expectations.

So – in my transformation, I have gone from being a broken, devastated, shell of a person to…a strong single mommy that is able to counsel others! WOW! I am living proof that hearts CAN mend. Even a very defeated, mangled, half dead heart.

My 3 year old has recently found some fascination with the story of Humpy Dumpty. She has a lot of good questions. Like…why couldn’t he be fixed? Maybe I had never really thought about it on such a deep level before, but I had never really seen myself in that story until recently. And I had never seen how truely sad and hopeless his plight was before.

Yes, of course, Humpty is a great teaching story of why eggs shouldn’t be on walls…or little girls jump on beds for instance. Sometimes bad things happen…and sometimes they can’t be fixed.

Sometimes sweet, beautiful little children die of cancer. Sometimes a car goes left of center. Sometimes a plane falls from the sky.

Sometimes a marriage disentagrates, for instance. All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put my marriage back together again. If by all the kings horses and men – I mean…me, my spouse, a marriage counselor, the children, the promises, family members, friends and pastors. It all came down to the lack of surrender and acceptance. Surrendering ourselves to each other, surrendering our stubborn wills, agendas and expectations. Accepting each other for who we are and loving each other through it. Without that solid foundation…no kings, horses, or magic wands can save any marriage. Only the two people on that precarious wall can save it.

But hearts on the other hand…individual hearts CAN be healed. It may take years and years. In my case – it has taken nearly 40. Not 40 YET!! Just…almost. Everyone has their own time table. But it can happen. Anyone that knows me, knows that it is true. A miraculous reconstruction took place.

I fell off a wall…or in my case, it might have been more like a high horse, but anyway…I was knocked down to size in a billion tiny pieces of sadness. It was years in the making. Shattered shell – all over the place. Egg on the face, a potentially irreversible mistake could have ended my story just like Humpty’s. Poor Humpty.

Abandonment, abuse, rape, molestation, secrets, lies, loneliness and eventually anger, bitterness and resentment. If I was Mrs Humpty…I would have probably been a really rotten, smelly egg. I would have knocked the kings horses and men out – they couldn’t have saved me because they would have been rendered completely useless. lol.

And – honestly – they were. No one could have saved me from that fall but the King himself. He took the broken pieces and put them back together – even better than before…cracks and all. Now I am a mosaic of pieces that make a whole picture. Where as before…I was in one piece, but didn’t see the whole picture.

But that’s just my take on things. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. You can call me a quack…or say I am all cracked up. Go ahead. I know eggzactly what you’re thinking. Gag…really? Puns now? Terrible yokes? Am I THAT tired?

Back to point. Sometimes we can’t change certain events. We can’t stop death. We can’t go back in time and change things. But we can decide how to move forward…and how we are going to live with those events in our lives. Constructively or destructively.

We can live with the broken pieces and keep waiting for someone to come along and pick the pieces up for us…or we can surrender it, accept things the way they are…and find peace – in the pieces.

Season of Peaceful Silence

Everytime I sit down to write…I just stare at the screen thinking…I think I said it all. Or maybe I feel like I have said enough – and that everyone has read enough. Yet, I still feel the urge to write SOMEthing.

I have written several children’s books and tons of music and am even working on a middle reader and adult age range book. Maybe it is time that I focus on these projects for awhile. This blog may have served its purpose and is now done. I am not sure, but I do know this blog has at least entered a season of silence.

I am still surprised how much traffic I still get – even though I haven’t written in months. I wonder how long it will stay active.

I have been very thankful for this platform and cyber voice that I could use to get all my darkest secrets out. Whether anyone else agrees or not…it was apparently (along with a few other things) what I needed to do to find peace. To be completely released of the strongholds of the past.

I am 6 months into being a changed woman. Not a day passes by where I am not completely thankful in nearly everyway possible.

A friend recently asked me an interesting question. We are reading a book called Hind’s feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard. This is a great book – my favorite in fact. In this book, (Spoiler alert) the main character ends up assuming a new name after she undergoes a major transformation. My friend asked what my new name would be.

Ironically I had just been thinking about that very thing the same morning she asked that question that afternoon.

My name Lee Ann – means peaceful meadow. Now…my entire life I have been anything BUT a peaceful meadow. I have been a chaotic tornado, a self destructive hurricane, a confused victim and an erupting volcano…but I can assure you…I was not a peaceful meadow.

Not until 6 months ago. So…I don’t think I would change my name. I think I just finally grew INTO my name. It only took almost 40 years, but I have always been a late bloomer.

I am just thankful to have arrived at all. I am not saying I am always a picture of peace. I am just saying that I feel it. I am at peace. I am content.

Silence was something I had always been a bit afraid of. Or maybe I craved it, but could never seem to achieve it…which made me feel uncomfortable. I always felt some kind of disturbance or restlessness in the background of my soul. Like static on a tv in a room that I couldn’t ever find and turn off! It was exhausting. You know – that feeling of being painfully aware and uncomfortable in your own skin kinda thing…

But peace has finally found me! At least for now. And how I am enjoying every moment of it. I am me…the good, the bad and the honest. Not perfect. Just peaceful.

And apparently peaceful contentness equals a season of silence in this case. So, faithful readers, I have enjoyed sharing this very significant journey with you all. I may come back to this at some point in time and revive it. But for now…I declare an official season of peaceful, happy, beautiful silence.

Love and hugs,

Peaceful Meadow