I used to have so much to say. And now when I sit down to blog it’s like I’m trying to force time with a long forgotten best friend, turned acquaintance – awkward, blank silence and all.
That is why I have blogged so infrequently lately. Sometimes it is self doubt – like I have something to write about, but then I’m like…ah – who really cares? Partly because the people that I think should be most supportive are the least supportive – in fact – sometimes the very opposite of supportive. Which breeds self doubt. Then I lean into that self doubt. And I talk myself right out of saying anything.
Sometimes I hesitate to write because I have offended in the past, so I am apprehensive to write for fear of pissing someone off. Because sometimes it’s not worth that drama. But yet – those same people that have been offended, don’t really support much of anything I do anyway, so why should I care? They sure as hell have not been there for me when I needed them the most.
But mostly – it’s just survival mode of moving in a billion different directions at once. Just not having the frame of mind to write. And when I do – it’s been dedicated to making feeble progress on a book I am trying to get published.
But the problem is I have like 5 books I want to publish and I sit down to write one and the other 4 start gnawing at my brain for attention too. Which one to feed?! Ugh. My writing support group calls that self sabotage. Indeed.
So – in circles I run. Most of my circles are ran around my kiddos. And there’s work. And there is the art business I am trying to build. THAT takes up a lot of time and effort.
So – I have just accepted this season of silence. I know one day I will pick this blog back up, dust it off…perhaps update the name to whatever is appropriate at the time.
Everything serves a purpose. And this blog had a huge importance years ago. It documented my journey from depression (unbeknownst to me at the time), to break down – which I now call break through, on to dealing and healing.
I basically threw up my entire soul throughout the years of this blog. The good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the heartbreaking. The hard things some people needed to hear, and some people cringed over. Which in the end is fine. I’m not writing for everyone. I write for me. I can’t please everyone. I lived too much of my life trying to do that and damaged myself big time. So just like art – I will create what I like. What I want. If that resonates with anyone else – great. If it offends anyone else – move on.
So, I know I will return to this blog because I miss it. I miss writing for no other reason than to write. And letting the right people find at the right time when they need it. I believe the universe moves like that.
So thanks for being patient with my season of silence. I would much rather be silent and authentic then write for the sake of pleasing someone else or manufacturing forced content.
I’ll be back after my season of silence. I promise.